I thought I couldn't get any stronger.
I thought I was strong enough to stand on my own two feet no matter what the situation.
I thought I could make my own decisions and they'd always be right.
I thought I wasn't coming back down to this place of sorrow and weakness.
I thought wrong, because I fell back down hard.
I fell down real hard.
Lesson learned: I wasn't as strong or as smart as I liked to think I was, and God's way of proving me wrong was to kick me back onto my ass and not give me any kind of support system but myself to get me back on my feet.
In a way I want to thank God for this despair and loneliness, because He's showing me how to be independent.
Independence is the kind of strength it's about time for me to learn.
Timing really is everything. Just when I'm about to be on my own He teaches me how to do it. So here I go, I'm standing back up. On my own this time, with no help from any direction, stronger than I was before.
I think I'm gonna like this lesson.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Strength
I guess I've just hurt for so long in so many ways that I don't feel anything anymore. Not for long at least.
I'll cry my eyes out for a night and wake up the next morning feeling somewhat relieved, like my time asleep was the time for my body to reconstruct my mind and my heart.
I don't always feel 100% better, but any better than my breaking point is good enough for me. I tend to do some pretty courageous things at my breaking point, things I wouldn't do when I'm trying to act like I have myself together, and I realize a lot more of the truth at these moments than I do otherwise.
I guess that's when I'm the strongest. When I feel the weight of the world is being thrown at me by everyone I love, when I feel like no one wants to stick around, when I feel like I'm just a waste of a body, I realize I can actually be wrong. That's when I accept the facts, admit the truth about everything to myself, and move on, one day at a time.
It's okay to not be okay, but what a waste of a happy life it would be to live that way. Why cry when I can bless others with my smile? Why worry about how someone else is living their life when I can create a future of my own? Why be weak when I can be strong, not only for myself, but for others who may be struggling as well? I may very well be the only example of strength through the hard times that someone will ever see, and that may very well save someone's life.
"Don't let today's unhappiness carry over into tomorrow's success." <-- Even though you might be selfishly leaving me, I love you more and more every day for this. Thank you for lifting me up when I have fallen down the hardest. That's the reason why I always have and always will accept the love you offer. At the times when I doubt everything you have ever said to me, I will always be here for you as much as, if not somehow more, than you've been here for me. You've taught me what love is. You've taught me the reality of the world more than anyone has. You've taught me what's really important in life. You taught me who I want to be, and what I stand for. You taught me how to stand on my own two feet and do what's best for me, not what's best for anyone else. I truly can't thank you enough, and I will never be able to tell you with words how much I love you, but I hope somehow you know. I hope somehow you'll always know. I love you.
I'll cry my eyes out for a night and wake up the next morning feeling somewhat relieved, like my time asleep was the time for my body to reconstruct my mind and my heart.
I don't always feel 100% better, but any better than my breaking point is good enough for me. I tend to do some pretty courageous things at my breaking point, things I wouldn't do when I'm trying to act like I have myself together, and I realize a lot more of the truth at these moments than I do otherwise.
I guess that's when I'm the strongest. When I feel the weight of the world is being thrown at me by everyone I love, when I feel like no one wants to stick around, when I feel like I'm just a waste of a body, I realize I can actually be wrong. That's when I accept the facts, admit the truth about everything to myself, and move on, one day at a time.
It's okay to not be okay, but what a waste of a happy life it would be to live that way. Why cry when I can bless others with my smile? Why worry about how someone else is living their life when I can create a future of my own? Why be weak when I can be strong, not only for myself, but for others who may be struggling as well? I may very well be the only example of strength through the hard times that someone will ever see, and that may very well save someone's life.
"Don't let today's unhappiness carry over into tomorrow's success." <-- Even though you might be selfishly leaving me, I love you more and more every day for this. Thank you for lifting me up when I have fallen down the hardest. That's the reason why I always have and always will accept the love you offer. At the times when I doubt everything you have ever said to me, I will always be here for you as much as, if not somehow more, than you've been here for me. You've taught me what love is. You've taught me the reality of the world more than anyone has. You've taught me what's really important in life. You taught me who I want to be, and what I stand for. You taught me how to stand on my own two feet and do what's best for me, not what's best for anyone else. I truly can't thank you enough, and I will never be able to tell you with words how much I love you, but I hope somehow you know. I hope somehow you'll always know. I love you.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Confused
I've never in my life had allergies before. I'm not sure if I'm developing them or if this is just a cold, but either way I'm sick. I had a cough attack at work, like I was choking only I could breathe. It was so random.. Anyways, after that fun was over, I got back to my job. I hopped back on register and took the order of a mom, her grown daughter, and her daughters' little boy. I guess they saw my coughing fit, because after I took their order, the mom told me that she hoped I feel better, and she was so genuine about it. The point I'm trying to make, is that that comment somehow made my day.
I don't know how I've gotten back down to the low point in life where it takes nothing but a smile to make my day, but here I am. I told myself I'd never let myself fall this far again and I meant it, but here I am. I don't even know why. But now that I'm here I'm finding reason after reason to be, and I don't know how to get back out. The only option I see is to wait. Just hurt until it stops hurting. I don't have anyone to come back and make it better, because they all left. Even the one who just came back around is leaving again.
I'm just confused as to why everyone leaves. I'm confused as to how the hell I ended up back at rock bottom when not the first thing had gone wrong.
Maybe this is the side effect of too much time alone, aka the side effect of graduating high school early.
I'm gonna let go and let God this time and maybe I'll make it out okay.
I don't know how I've gotten back down to the low point in life where it takes nothing but a smile to make my day, but here I am. I told myself I'd never let myself fall this far again and I meant it, but here I am. I don't even know why. But now that I'm here I'm finding reason after reason to be, and I don't know how to get back out. The only option I see is to wait. Just hurt until it stops hurting. I don't have anyone to come back and make it better, because they all left. Even the one who just came back around is leaving again.
I'm just confused as to why everyone leaves. I'm confused as to how the hell I ended up back at rock bottom when not the first thing had gone wrong.
Maybe this is the side effect of too much time alone, aka the side effect of graduating high school early.
I'm gonna let go and let God this time and maybe I'll make it out okay.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Now > Then
The funniest part about the picture is how innocent I was when I wrote it. I didn't care one bit about the "friends" I "lost" in middle school. I had no idea that it would take heart break after heart break in every area of my life to find out who I was, I thought it would just come to me.
Growing up? HA. Little did I know that that was barely even the beginning.
Drama? Middle school drama. Probably me and someone at my assigned table arguing over markers.
Starting over? The hell if I started over with anyone. I have no clue who that was even about. I don't even remember the names of people I talked to in middle school, after four short years. Those friendships I thought were worth worrying about, I don't even remember.
It's actually scary how different I am four short years later.. I know exactly who I am, but I had to LEARN in the hardest ways. I know what it means to have a bad day. I definitely don't have the innocence I had in middle school. My high school destroyed any innocence anyone still had before they went there. I know what it means to like a boy as more than a friend, in middle school I liked every boy I thought was cute. I know what it means to have drama between friends. I've watched friendships and families break apart with more drama than I ever imagined in middle school.
The innocence of a child is one of the most precious things left on this earth, and it is overwhelmingly upsetting how quickly it is fading.
We have 14 year olds, even 12 year olds getting pregnant, partying every weekend, using more foul language than your average 17 year old boy. It's the kids my age leading these younger kids down the path to destruction that they will have not the first idea how to handle, because as children, they still have that naïveté about the real world. Until mommy and daddy stop driving you around, chaperoning social events, paying your way through every little thing you want or need, the more childhood innocence you truly still have.
I had no idea what people were like, what real hardships were, what real emotions were, or even who I myself was until recently. Until recently, I also thought I knew what I was doing, but I am still learning just how wrong I was.
xo
Growing up? HA. Little did I know that that was barely even the beginning.
Drama? Middle school drama. Probably me and someone at my assigned table arguing over markers.
Starting over? The hell if I started over with anyone. I have no clue who that was even about. I don't even remember the names of people I talked to in middle school, after four short years. Those friendships I thought were worth worrying about, I don't even remember.
It's actually scary how different I am four short years later.. I know exactly who I am, but I had to LEARN in the hardest ways. I know what it means to have a bad day. I definitely don't have the innocence I had in middle school. My high school destroyed any innocence anyone still had before they went there. I know what it means to like a boy as more than a friend, in middle school I liked every boy I thought was cute. I know what it means to have drama between friends. I've watched friendships and families break apart with more drama than I ever imagined in middle school.
The innocence of a child is one of the most precious things left on this earth, and it is overwhelmingly upsetting how quickly it is fading.
We have 14 year olds, even 12 year olds getting pregnant, partying every weekend, using more foul language than your average 17 year old boy. It's the kids my age leading these younger kids down the path to destruction that they will have not the first idea how to handle, because as children, they still have that naïveté about the real world. Until mommy and daddy stop driving you around, chaperoning social events, paying your way through every little thing you want or need, the more childhood innocence you truly still have.
I had no idea what people were like, what real hardships were, what real emotions were, or even who I myself was until recently. Until recently, I also thought I knew what I was doing, but I am still learning just how wrong I was.
xo
Now < Now
I've loved and loved and loved, only to stand almost completely alone time after time. I've given my heart to others, only to watch it shatter, right before my eyes. Although, somehow I always seem to shut my eyes before I have a chance to believe that my heart is somewhere it shouldn't be.. It's like my mind shuts itself down because subconsciously it knows that I am somewhere I shouldn't be, in a situation that's I could have avoided if I wouldn't have shut my eyes to begin with.
Sometimes I find myself falling back down into the depressed state I was in for a good many months in the past two years. I let the past heartbreaks and mistakes catch up to me, and I start thinking of things I should have done differently. And do you know where that gets me? Certainly not back into those situations to do those things differently. There is no reason for me to dwell on a past that I no longer have control over. There is no reason for me to be upset about the things I didn't do, when I should be focused on what I need to do now to make my future as bright as it should be.
A very, very close friend of mine sent me a text tonight, not knowing anything that was going through my mind. I don't think he will ever truly understand how much these words just helped me: "Well feelings suck. And I know how to hurt pretty damn well. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're one of the few genuine people left in this world. Whatever it is I love you and you're going to go places with your life. Don't let today's unhappiness carry over to tomorrow's success. Keep your head up."
That was almost the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me, and it REALLY made a huge difference in my currently jumbled state of mind. I've grown into a pretty positive, clear minded, goal oriented person over the past 3 years, but there are still times when I catch myself falling back into the negativity that got me into medication and therapy before. On the bright side, tonights struggles helped me realize:
1. I AM going somewhere with my life. I will be attending North Greenville University in August of 2013 to study psychology. In the mean time, I am spreading love and kindness to people I pass throughout the day in hopes of making some kind of difference somewhere along the way.
2. No hurt can last forever. The sun rises every morning, even if the sky is a little cloudy. So why waste time that I could spend being happy being upset over something that already happened, something that I can't change or undo? Just let it be as it is.
3. In saying this, everything happens for a reason. We love and lose so that we know what it means to love, but so that we also know how it feels to break, in the end making us stronger and more prepared for the next time something doesn't go our way.
Happiness is truly a nothing much more than a mindset. If you think positively, you will spread positive vibes through your words and your actions.
I've just got to remember to keep my head up, and find the beauty that is always hidden somewhere in a situation.
Sometimes I find myself falling back down into the depressed state I was in for a good many months in the past two years. I let the past heartbreaks and mistakes catch up to me, and I start thinking of things I should have done differently. And do you know where that gets me? Certainly not back into those situations to do those things differently. There is no reason for me to dwell on a past that I no longer have control over. There is no reason for me to be upset about the things I didn't do, when I should be focused on what I need to do now to make my future as bright as it should be.
A very, very close friend of mine sent me a text tonight, not knowing anything that was going through my mind. I don't think he will ever truly understand how much these words just helped me: "Well feelings suck. And I know how to hurt pretty damn well. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're one of the few genuine people left in this world. Whatever it is I love you and you're going to go places with your life. Don't let today's unhappiness carry over to tomorrow's success. Keep your head up."
That was almost the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me, and it REALLY made a huge difference in my currently jumbled state of mind. I've grown into a pretty positive, clear minded, goal oriented person over the past 3 years, but there are still times when I catch myself falling back into the negativity that got me into medication and therapy before. On the bright side, tonights struggles helped me realize:
1. I AM going somewhere with my life. I will be attending North Greenville University in August of 2013 to study psychology. In the mean time, I am spreading love and kindness to people I pass throughout the day in hopes of making some kind of difference somewhere along the way.
2. No hurt can last forever. The sun rises every morning, even if the sky is a little cloudy. So why waste time that I could spend being happy being upset over something that already happened, something that I can't change or undo? Just let it be as it is.
3. In saying this, everything happens for a reason. We love and lose so that we know what it means to love, but so that we also know how it feels to break, in the end making us stronger and more prepared for the next time something doesn't go our way.
Happiness is truly a nothing much more than a mindset. If you think positively, you will spread positive vibes through your words and your actions.
I've just got to remember to keep my head up, and find the beauty that is always hidden somewhere in a situation.
Thursday, April 04, 2013
Happy Easter!
When I was little, my brother, my sister, and I would draw pictures for holidays and "decorate" our rooms with them.
I'm sitting at the computer and I look up on the wall above it, and I see a cross from Easter a few years ago. We still have that on the wall, as well as a happy Easter sign I made.. A little awkward but a little more precious.
We used to be so innocent around the holidays. I think our main concerns were the gifts.. Christmas presents from Santa, chocolates on Valentine's day, Easter baskets on Easter.. Now that I'm older and don't get the same joy out of things like looking for the red light of rudolph's nose in the sky and searching endlessly for my Easter basket, I actually am trying to take the time to remember the real reason for the seasons.
Christ died for us, so that we could be happy and carefree everyday for eternity.
On this day He is risen, and our lives are truly blessings from Him!
I'm sitting at the computer and I look up on the wall above it, and I see a cross from Easter a few years ago. We still have that on the wall, as well as a happy Easter sign I made.. A little awkward but a little more precious.
We used to be so innocent around the holidays. I think our main concerns were the gifts.. Christmas presents from Santa, chocolates on Valentine's day, Easter baskets on Easter.. Now that I'm older and don't get the same joy out of things like looking for the red light of rudolph's nose in the sky and searching endlessly for my Easter basket, I actually am trying to take the time to remember the real reason for the seasons.
Christ died for us, so that we could be happy and carefree everyday for eternity.
On this day He is risen, and our lives are truly blessings from Him!
Just Keep Breathing
It never occurred to me that the ones who once needed me to feel, would soon forget everything I was for them.
I've realized that the ones who work the hardest earn nothing close to what they deserve.
The most surprising thing I've noticed, however, is that even after everything I've been through, everything I've learned, everything I've become..I still manage to forget everything I've learned and everything I've been through when it comes to making similar decisions to the choices I "learned from." I continue finding myself in uncomfortable positions with no way out, because I seem to keep forgetting that I know how to avoid these situations. I don't understand my issue here. I know the state of mind I DON'T want to have, yet I continue to sit in the state of mind I promised I'd never see again.
What am I to do but lean on my Father? I'm nothing without Him, but I'm not seeming to understand how to be something with Him. I'm blessed to be at a school surrounded by people and experiences that can teach me more about how I can experience God and know who He expects me to be as His daughter.
-xo
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