Is not life more?

"Is not life more than food, or the body more than clothes?" These verses in Matthew mention how the Father provides for the birds and the lilies, how much more will he provide for us? Why would we even believe for a second that if we bloom where He has planted us, He will just leave us to our own? He literally says if He provides for the birds, how much more will he provide for us, His children. Why would we even doubt for a second that God would fulfill the promises of His children in biblical times but the same God would not come through on the promises He has made for His children today? We serve the same God that Abraham served, the same God that took a rib from Adam in the garden, the same God that David and Paul and even Jesus served and spoke of. What makes us believe we are any more special or significant than the men and women in the bible, that God came through for them but we are unforgivable? How self centered must we be to believe we can provide for ourselves knowing nothing of our future better than God can provide for us knowing every second of our future? It drives me absolutely crazy knowing that I often put more faith in myself than I do in my God. I pray He shows me His strength through my weaknesses so much that I can't help but look straight to Him in everything. I pray that I praise His name through the good and the bad because He alone is worthy!

WSPD15

Reading all of these world suicide prevention day posts should make me happy. I should feel hopeful. So many of you were strong enough to keep going. You are all strong enough to wake up every morning and keep looking up and making progress. This is my passion, dude. So why am I so sad? Why aren't I smiling through these posts? What's wrong with my heart? I'm too busy focusing on others and I'm neglecting to love myself too. That's important, you know. If you didn't love yourself, I don't think you'd keep looking forward to your future. You'd have given up a long time ago, but you didn't. I hope you find this true: "There is so much more to life than finding a way to end it."

By the way...

Friday, August 14, 2015

He asked me to marry him. 

I said yes. 

August 5, 2016

I will be married to the best friend my heart has ever known, the love of my life. 

Amen, and Amen.

“He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.”

Psalm 103:10-12 ESV

Steadfast: unwavering. committed. dedicated. reliable. true. constant. 

Let me be the first to say: you will NEVER find love like this in a person. If the "true love" you have with a person is failing, it isn't true love. If the love you have with a person looks like a desperate need for closeness over the desire to spend time together, closed minded arguments with no intent on persuasion, immense fear of losing the person leading to loss of who you are, etc...you do not have true love. If your love looks like two people who are pretty well off, who have a regular date night, who see a future with each other, but the two of you do not focus on Jesus's plans for your future, you do not have true love. Tell me honestly that the person you are planning this future with has never skipped out on a date night or disappointed you in some way. True, steadfast love is unfailing, reliable, constant, trustworthy. JESUS is TRUE love. If you are loving without Jesus, you will always -- always -- be disappointed. 

Let me tell you a story about a little girl. She was a pretty little girl. She had a beautiful home, a great school, lots of friends, a sweet little family, and a supportive church family. What could go wrong? I'll tell you what - imperfect love. Love without Jesus looked like this: Her family split apart. Her church family abandoned her. Her many friends began to make fun of her. She was forced to move out of her beautiful home, into a new school. Her sweet little family turned into a huge, bitter family. Her beautiful smile turned into endless tears and pieces of her broken heart were tossed around and broken even further by people who did not have true Love in their hearts. I am this girl, and I am damaged. I am imperfect. I am insecure. Some days I struggle to get out of bed and socialize because I fear the imperfect love and rejection people have the capability to offer. Even so, I am better now than I was before. I have true, perfect, steadfast Love surrounding my broken heart and holding it together with mighty, merciful hands. The Lord was with me through all of this, preparing my heart for His will, to be filled with passion, empathy, and loyalty. He knew that one day He was going to tell me to stand up on my knees and let go of the baggage I thought would forever define me. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. I am longer a slave to fear. I am no longer a slave to insecurity, doubt, sadness, comfort, pride, or my mind. I am a child of God, of perfect Love, of grace. In Christ I have hope and a future, I am forgiven and free, and I am LOVED with the most perfect love imaginable. 

Who, Me?

I emotional eat, and I do it way too much. 

I lay in bed for an hour before I get up every morning. 

I like chocolate milk, chocolate pop tarts, and brownies, but I hate chocolate. 

I cry when I watch TV weddings or relationships unfold. 

I'm secretly a famous singer/model. 

I don't have ANY friends because I'm too scared of what people think of me to let them in my life. 

I only get mad when people disagree with my emotions or when people don't do something I ask them to do. 

I'm obsessed with my eyelashes for obvious reasons. 

I secretly love lexington, the town itself anyways. 

My only real dream is to go to Jamaica. 

I also want to go to the Bermuda Triangle and not get lost forever. 

I know things about myself, but I don't know who I am. Maybe that's because no one else cares to know, so I've never tried to figure it out. I'm emotionally unstable sometimes, and I have the lowest self confidence ever. I don't believe anyone who tells me they love me. I don't know how to be strong. 

I know I am weak, and I know I need a great Savior. As far as what happens next... Maybe I'll never know. 

That Awkward Moment

when Caitlyn Jenner inspires you to take action in your faith. 

I do not agree with nor condone the lifestyle choices Jenner has made, but I will proudly say I agree with the way she is impacting people's lives. Past her appearance and gender identity struggles, she is advocating suicide prevention and open mindedness towards loving those who are different. Instead of focusing on what's wrong with the world, why don't we focus on what's right for a while? Instead of posting status updates about what we had for dinner or how we disagree with so-and-so about such-and-such, why don't we compliment someone or write something positive we've seen in the world around us. It takes the same amount of time and effort to be positive, and you aren't the only one who will be impacted by a smile.

Imagine this: you go to chickfila alone for lunch. An older lady is in there eating alone too. You could do one of two things: 1) walk by her on your way to the restroom, acting as though she is just another face in the crowd; or 2) sit down at the table next to her and be intentional with her-- smile at her and ask her how she is doing, ask her if she'd like you to take her tray of trash or get her a refill on her drink, let her know that even though you've never met her and she knows nothing about you, you care about her. Her confidence and happiness will increase and regardless of what she has going on outside of the walls of that chickfila, she might be able to smile at someone else. 

In a world of increasing technological advances and larger screens to hide behind, may we always remember how important physical social contact is for the sake of saving lives. 

"We need more tolerance and empathy towards other people. It's so hard for young people because they can't see the future...and because of that they become extraordinarily desperate, and suicide becomes an option. We have to do something about that. Young people have to realize that there is so much help out there." -Caitlyn Jenner

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Just because

I really need to post this, because it's pressing my heart and on the off chance that this might find someone when they need it, I can't risk hiding it in a journal. 

Pain is real. Hardships are real. Persecution is so real, religious or non-religious. Bullying, mental illness, suicide, they're all real. Just because these issues may not directly affect you, does not make them any less real to someone else. Think of a time when you were hurting; I know there has been at least one. Maybe you were going through a break up, an argument with your best friend, a death in the family. Maybe you struggle with depression, anxiety, or another mental disorder. You know what sadness feels like, regardless of the form it came in. Try to remember how you felt during that time. Remember specifics about it. Now, you aren't the only one in the world who has faced this experience. You are not the only one in the world who is broken, sad, angry, anxious. Go scroll through Facebook for 5 minutes, you'll see how many others are broken. Brokenness, sadness, heartache, longing, these are all common emotions. If you know how badly the hurt felt for you, why would you even consider bullying, arguing, or avoiding thoughts of the 7 billion other people in the world going through hurt? Just because you are feeling weightless right now doesn't mean the rest of the world has been relieved of their hurt. We can't just so idly by and let others believe their lives aren't worth living because they are broken. ALL of us are broken. ALL of us have cried. ALL of us have something in our lives we don't like to talk about because it brings unwanted emotions to the surface. How can we seriously watch the world go by from our .000001% point of view of the world, and let other people believe they are alone in their hurt? It's beyond past time for us to get over ourselves and remember the first emotion we ever felt: love. We were born to love and be loved. As time goes on, the world and it's darkness scrapes away at our hearts until we feel there is not enough hours in the day to focus on anyone but ourselves. I'm here to tell you, you CAN change that point of view. You CAN change your mindset to one that sees other people, that knows other people, and that wants to understand and help other people. Even if it's just the people closest to you, wouldn't you want to be there for your friends anyways? Open your eyes, people. Open your minds. Open your hearts. Don't watch the world go by pretending that the things that hurt other people don't exist. People need other people. When you are there for others, others are there for you. Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if we could all support the hearts of others, if we could all hurt together instead of alone? Hurt is inevitable, loneliness through it is not. My passion is to drive the thought into people's minds that this is not your world. You are not the only one that matters. You are not the only one that hurts. Reach out to someone who could use a friend or a kind word today and let them know you were thinking of them. Consider how this would affect you if you were the one someone reached out to. I imagine it would brighten your life. 

I'm sorry this isn't written better, it doesn't flow the way I'd like it to. I just need to get this off of my chest somehow, and I can't let it stay private. Although no one may see this for a while, I pray someone sees it when they need to. I pray that whoever does see this receives the love and support they need in their time of struggle. If I can do anything for you, contact me directly. I love and care for you, and I want to be here for you if I can. 

Side note

Through this trial, The Lord has brought me to Proverbs again. I believe it is time to start seeking wisdom and knowledge through studying His word and spending time with Him. I know who He is, and I love Him with my entire being. For this reason, I know that it is time to dive deeper. It is time to learn how to respond to His love, His actions, and His commands. 

Listening vs. Hearing

There is a very distinct difference between listening and hearing: effort. I'm starting to think it's impossible for me to have friendships anymore because of this difference. I run on others' emotions. If I intentionally give you a piece of my heart and you reply with one word and a change of subject, there is going to be a bump in the road of our friendship. Emotions are natural, and I know how to feel them pretty well. Emotions are a huge part of who we are as humans. Embracing the fact that we all have the same emotions is fundamental in creating lasting relationships. So if you don't put forth any emotional effort in our friendship, don't expect it to last. I simply cannot remain close with people who don't empathize with me. 

I don't trust many people with my heart, so if I give you a piece of it, please don't take it for granted. 

One Face, please

On october 17, 2014 I mentioned that I had spent too much time fighting myself to hold on to friendships that I barely had. Well, I let them go. I don't really have friends anymore. But I don't have that distraction either. I have time to focus on joy. I have time to focus on loving others and loving myself. And most importantly, I have time to focus on the Source of hope, joy, love, peace, and life. 

In all seriousness, I've never seen God move so powerfully through removing these people from my life. When He moves, you know. It will stir up joy your heart like nothing you've ever felt. It strengthens your faith. It increases your knowledge and love for who He really is. 

Thank you, Lord, for everything You are. 

Summer 2015: day 1

It's not always easy wearing your

Heart on your sleeve.

You laugh a lot,

But sometimes you get angry. 

Sometimes you just have to cry. 

And you cry,

And you cry,

And you think someone hears you.

But if they do,

They've got a real way of showing it

Without you knowing. 

Something about transition makes you vulnerable,

Uncomfortable,

And terrified of every tomorrow. 

You punch as hard as you can

You fight to suppress the sounds of your tears dropping on the blanket

But sometimes you must let them go.

And if anyone knows,

They've got a way of showing it

Without you knowing. 

You set your hopes high enough,

You just might get it right this time,

But this world is not your home. 

It's not always easy to believe.

It's not always easy being free. 

It's not always easy to be. 

365

A year ago today he was placed in my path.

A year of struggles later, he has not run away. He has not given up on my thick head or stubborn heart. 

Today is the day I know for certain that he is mine. 

Any circumstance 366+ days old is irrelevant. You and me.