He loves me anyway.

I spent the entirety of my teenage years chasing after my own will. For 9 years I thought my beautiful family could withstand anything, that the brokenness of divorce had been fixed by the love I had found in my new family. For 4 years I tried to piece my heart back together by creating a sense of reality out of the dream of my first kiss loving me unconditionally. For 16 years I believed that I wrote my story, I made my own choices, and I knew what was right for me. For 16 years, I was dead. I was dead in my sins. I was spiritually, mentally, and emotionally dead, and I felt it physically and socially. I lost every "friend" I ever thought I had due to my lack of interest in anyone but myself. If I didn't have him, I didn't have anybody, and for 3 years too many, I didn't care. But after 3 years of genuinely not caring about anything or anyone, I was tired. I was worn out. I was alone, and I started to realize it. I thought I was hopeless. I thought I was unloved. I thought I was never going to see the sun again, simply because I had turned away from everything I had ever known to hold on to. 

I was in my room alone one night, crying out to God. "God, why the hell am I here? There is no purpose for me here. No one cares about me. No one cares that I'm hurting. YOU don't care that I'm hurting, or else I would be okay. What did I do to deserve this?" And God said to me, "Jenna, seek me first and you will understand." And I said, "...fine. I have NOTHING to lose." So I started going back to church. There was never a specific instance at church that I can say I rededicated my life after a great message, it was more of a process of realizations. I realized I had no purpose because my purpose was outside of myself. I realized I had no one left because I had turned them away for an immature dream of what I thought my life was supposed to look like. I realized I was depressed because I craved pity and I was completely comfortable with giving it to myself. I had become comfortable with depression. Around the time of this realization, God told me about the immense joy that came from living with Him. I had started my freshman year at North Greenville University, the first decision I made not on my own intuition but on God's guidance. One day in English class, my professor challenged us to think of the last time we had been truly happy. It scared me how much of a challenge this was for me. I really had no idea that "happy" was more than just a word, and that worried me deeply. As I went throughout the next few days, this idea really pressed on my heart. I was unsure how to go about figuring a solution out until Thursday night at BSU that week. I had never had a worship experience where I felt the Lord's presence until that night, and it was truly life changing. I began to understand what it meant to be transformed when a person met Christ. We sang the words that I have chosen to live each day by: "Your will, Your way, God. Let it be done in me."

I prayed these words to God as I sang them, and a genuine smile appeared on my heart and on my face. I realized that God was the ONLY way out. I began to trust God's will for my life because I knew that nothing could disappoint me further than I had been disappointed before, so I wholly surrendered everything to Him, and my life was permanently changed for the better. He is my Savior. He saved my life. He saved my heart. He saved my eternity. Without Him I would be dead, but because of Him, I am fully alive. 

HE IS RISEN, Happy Easter everyone.

-xo