hey

I'm married. It's awesome. 

It's hard. It's silly. It's full. It's a work in progress. We are a work in progress. I am a work in progress. 

On August 5, 2016, I started a journey. I moved away from home and began a life with my husband. God, he is wonderful. But it hasn't been easy. On December 27, 2016, I started a journey. I realized how self destructive, gluttonous, and out of control I am. Food is an idol. My body image is an idol. I can't keep going the way I'm going with that knowledge, so I'm making changes. I'm learning to love myself. I'm taking steps to glorify God with my body and my self esteem. I see people for who they are again, but I'm now beginning the process of seeing myself for who I am. 

Again, I wish this was written better, but this is just a quick update. Maybe I just want to note these things for my future self, since no one reads this anyways. Regardless, it helps. 

Unsure

I haven't written in about 7 months, because I haven't really had much to say. I still don't, to be honest. But for some reason I feel I should say something rather than nothing. 

Maybe I'll read this in a few years and I'll know what God was doing, or maybe I'll understand shortly after I've written whatever it is I'm about to write. I think I'll just start writing what I've been doing lately and see where that takes me. 

I started working at Chickfila again, "only for the summer," or so I thought. It turns out I'll probably be transferring to the one where Justin and my apartment is located. YAY I CAN'T STAND THE WAIT... (By the way, Justin and I got an apartment.) A few days before I started working, I started the whole 30 diet plan. The point is to change your eating habits, but you also manage to lose weight in the process. I've lost about 8 pounds so far, and I have 1 week left as of today.  I think I'm getting greedy with weight loss though. I mean, I won't say I haven't cheate a lot, but I have noticed mysel saying no a lot. Am I loving myself in wanting to love rather than indulge myself? I just don't want food to stay an idol, but I don't want planning or avoiding food to become an idol either. I've noticed myself thinking a lot more about food during this 30 days, ironically. 

I'm also taking time each day to get into God's word. I only read a few verses at a time to make sure I don't get overwhelmed and give up like I normally do. I'm reading Romans, so naturally I want to take it as slowly as possible. I think the Lord has me right where He wants me in that regard (of course). I've wanted to learn the basics of Christianity because I feel like I was just expected to know them when I came to NGU. Maybe I knew a few of them, but I really don't think I've understood what it means to follow Christ until I started reading Romans. I'm finally starting to. I pray before I read that God would help me understand what He wants me to understand, and that I'd hear with not just my ears but also my heart. It's so encouraging because He DOES help me understand, and I just feel like I'm getting it. His love is what I should be chasing after, not my responsibility or my future. I'm here TODAY to be open and willing to be used by the Father. I'm here today to glorify Him with every part of my life because He deserves it. In His mercy, He chose ME, not because I deserve it but because He is gracious and loving. It is up to Him who softens and who hardens to His word. He is sovereign over ALL. 

I guess that's all I have to say. The girl I'm babysitting is supposed to be sleeping but she's talk talk talking so I'd better go talk talk talk to her about that. 

xo

Is not life more?

"Is not life more than food, or the body more than clothes?" These verses in Matthew mention how the Father provides for the birds and the lilies, how much more will he provide for us? Why would we even believe for a second that if we bloom where He has planted us, He will just leave us to our own? He literally says if He provides for the birds, how much more will he provide for us, His children. Why would we even doubt for a second that God would fulfill the promises of His children in biblical times but the same God would not come through on the promises He has made for His children today? We serve the same God that Abraham served, the same God that took a rib from Adam in the garden, the same God that David and Paul and even Jesus served and spoke of. What makes us believe we are any more special or significant than the men and women in the bible, that God came through for them but we are unforgivable? How self centered must we be to believe we can provide for ourselves knowing nothing of our future better than God can provide for us knowing every second of our future? It drives me absolutely crazy knowing that I often put more faith in myself than I do in my God. I pray He shows me His strength through my weaknesses so much that I can't help but look straight to Him in everything. I pray that I praise His name through the good and the bad because He alone is worthy!

WSPD15

Reading all of these world suicide prevention day posts should make me happy. I should feel hopeful. So many of you were strong enough to keep going. You are all strong enough to wake up every morning and keep looking up and making progress. This is my passion, dude. So why am I so sad? Why aren't I smiling through these posts? What's wrong with my heart? I'm too busy focusing on others and I'm neglecting to love myself too. That's important, you know. If you didn't love yourself, I don't think you'd keep looking forward to your future. You'd have given up a long time ago, but you didn't. I hope you find this true: "There is so much more to life than finding a way to end it."

By the way...

Friday, August 14, 2015

He asked me to marry him. 

I said yes. 

August 5, 2016

I will be married to the best friend my heart has ever known, the love of my life. 

Amen, and Amen.

“He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.”

Psalm 103:10-12 ESV

Steadfast: unwavering. committed. dedicated. reliable. true. constant. 

Let me be the first to say: you will NEVER find love like this in a person. If the "true love" you have with a person is failing, it isn't true love. If the love you have with a person looks like a desperate need for closeness over the desire to spend time together, closed minded arguments with no intent on persuasion, immense fear of losing the person leading to loss of who you are, etc...you do not have true love. If your love looks like two people who are pretty well off, who have a regular date night, who see a future with each other, but the two of you do not focus on Jesus's plans for your future, you do not have true love. Tell me honestly that the person you are planning this future with has never skipped out on a date night or disappointed you in some way. True, steadfast love is unfailing, reliable, constant, trustworthy. JESUS is TRUE love. If you are loving without Jesus, you will always -- always -- be disappointed. 

Let me tell you a story about a little girl. She was a pretty little girl. She had a beautiful home, a great school, lots of friends, a sweet little family, and a supportive church family. What could go wrong? I'll tell you what - imperfect love. Love without Jesus looked like this: Her family split apart. Her church family abandoned her. Her many friends began to make fun of her. She was forced to move out of her beautiful home, into a new school. Her sweet little family turned into a huge, bitter family. Her beautiful smile turned into endless tears and pieces of her broken heart were tossed around and broken even further by people who did not have true Love in their hearts. I am this girl, and I am damaged. I am imperfect. I am insecure. Some days I struggle to get out of bed and socialize because I fear the imperfect love and rejection people have the capability to offer. Even so, I am better now than I was before. I have true, perfect, steadfast Love surrounding my broken heart and holding it together with mighty, merciful hands. The Lord was with me through all of this, preparing my heart for His will, to be filled with passion, empathy, and loyalty. He knew that one day He was going to tell me to stand up on my knees and let go of the baggage I thought would forever define me. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. I am longer a slave to fear. I am no longer a slave to insecurity, doubt, sadness, comfort, pride, or my mind. I am a child of God, of perfect Love, of grace. In Christ I have hope and a future, I am forgiven and free, and I am LOVED with the most perfect love imaginable. 

Who, Me?

I emotional eat, and I do it way too much. 

I lay in bed for an hour before I get up every morning. 

I like chocolate milk, chocolate pop tarts, and brownies, but I hate chocolate. 

I cry when I watch TV weddings or relationships unfold. 

I'm secretly a famous singer/model. 

I don't have ANY friends because I'm too scared of what people think of me to let them in my life. 

I only get mad when people disagree with my emotions or when people don't do something I ask them to do. 

I'm obsessed with my eyelashes for obvious reasons. 

I secretly love lexington, the town itself anyways. 

My only real dream is to go to Jamaica. 

I also want to go to the Bermuda Triangle and not get lost forever. 

I know things about myself, but I don't know who I am. Maybe that's because no one else cares to know, so I've never tried to figure it out. I'm emotionally unstable sometimes, and I have the lowest self confidence ever. I don't believe anyone who tells me they love me. I don't know how to be strong. 

I know I am weak, and I know I need a great Savior. As far as what happens next... Maybe I'll never know. 

That Awkward Moment

when Caitlyn Jenner inspires you to take action in your faith. 

I do not agree with nor condone the lifestyle choices Jenner has made, but I will proudly say I agree with the way she is impacting people's lives. Past her appearance and gender identity struggles, she is advocating suicide prevention and open mindedness towards loving those who are different. Instead of focusing on what's wrong with the world, why don't we focus on what's right for a while? Instead of posting status updates about what we had for dinner or how we disagree with so-and-so about such-and-such, why don't we compliment someone or write something positive we've seen in the world around us. It takes the same amount of time and effort to be positive, and you aren't the only one who will be impacted by a smile.

Imagine this: you go to chickfila alone for lunch. An older lady is in there eating alone too. You could do one of two things: 1) walk by her on your way to the restroom, acting as though she is just another face in the crowd; or 2) sit down at the table next to her and be intentional with her-- smile at her and ask her how she is doing, ask her if she'd like you to take her tray of trash or get her a refill on her drink, let her know that even though you've never met her and she knows nothing about you, you care about her. Her confidence and happiness will increase and regardless of what she has going on outside of the walls of that chickfila, she might be able to smile at someone else. 

In a world of increasing technological advances and larger screens to hide behind, may we always remember how important physical social contact is for the sake of saving lives. 

"We need more tolerance and empathy towards other people. It's so hard for young people because they can't see the future...and because of that they become extraordinarily desperate, and suicide becomes an option. We have to do something about that. Young people have to realize that there is so much help out there." -Caitlyn Jenner

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